Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Living Life and Letting Go and Being Grateful

As in so many other things in life, I suppose, just when we thought we had this whole adoption process thing down pat, BAM. There it goes surprising us all over again.
For those of you anxiously wondering what's up: We still have not yet received the call.

Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year, and along those lines, I have all these thoughts that are crowding inside my brain, seeking to claim their space and tell their stories.
So, here goes: My attempt to extricate those thoughts. Not sure how coherent this post is going to be. I am all over the place!

For so many months and years now, Jeff and I have been pretty much living our life.
Knowing that we cannot control this journey we are on, so why try?
Just sit back and let the boat and the tides take us where they may.
Be pleasantly distracted by activities like drumming and yoga and singing and gathering with friends.
Stay as busy as possible, that was our mantra.
But, knowing the prospect of imminent parenthood,
we knew we had to stop going-going-going sooner or later.
So, we slowly tapered our busy-ness from a giant roar and a blur of weekly nightly activities barely filled with spaces to breathe
to the now-quiet weeknights that are filled with delicious wide-open spaces, with room for reading, watching TV, walking the dog, etc.

I have been so enjoying those spaces.
I am learning the art of living more simply, scaling back, enjoying just being at home, being OK with not having any plans, and being willing to let go of the need to give in to an expectation/demand (whose? Society's? My own? I don't know!) that life always be busy and scurrying and yes, sometimes, stressful as a result.
And up to now, I have loved every minute of our slowed-down life.
It was kind of an epiphany for me.

Except that the person who we thought would have been filling up those spaces
isn't here yet.
Except that now, every time the phone rings, I rush to look at the digital display.
Is it a 410 extension? If so, it could be Catholic Charities!
And now, I find that I am struggling to control the very process I thought I admitted I have no control over.
I am a study in contradiction!
Now, I find myself SO FRUSTRATED that there is nothing I can do to get him here sooner.
Now, every time the phone rings, I jump a foot in the air.
I am constantly and almost obsessively checking my cell phone.
Did I miss a phone call?
Any voice mails?
Something needs to change. We need to be just living our life and not worrying so much about when this call is going to come.

We had planned to not travel for Thanksgiving.
Were going to hunker down and just hang out.
Yes, waiting for the call.
But we have since decided that we NEED to travel.
Have something to look forward to, something that we can control.
I NEED to get a family fix and to play with my nieces and point to Seoul, South Korea on their globe and tell them that's where Baby Matthew is and he'll be home soon ("soon"? what does that MEAN, anyway? Argggh!)
My mom said, " that you've made the plans, you'll get the call."
I hope so!

I believe in positive thinking
AND I am having a tough time with it.
I thought he'd be a birthday baby (my birthday was yesterday).
If not, I thought for sure he'd be a Thanksgiving baby.
(Thanksgiving is tomorrow!)
And now, as tomorrow draws ever closer,
I wonder if he's going to be a Christmas baby after all.
And I pray that he gets here before he'll be a New Year's baby,
because I'm not sure I will be intact by that point.

Two different friends had dreams that he'd come on my birthday.
Or that we'd get the call on my birthday.
I thought that was a sign, for sure.
I am a big believer in the meaning of dreams.
Alas, not so.

Supposedly, this last leg of the wait is all about finding and training an escort for him.
(Maybe we should have traveled, after all? Would he be home by now, if that were the case?)
So many doubts creep their way in and insert themselves into my mind.
I try to handle them as I do in meditation: Just watch the thoughts come in and notice them and move on, without reacting or falling into the negative-thinking, self-doubting, second-guessing trap.
Just when we thought we had learned all we could possibly learn
about the art and skill of patience,
we learn that there is so much more to learn,
just as in life.

So, we are going to pack the diaper bag with the list of "recommended items," double-check the carseat one last time, make sure our cell phones are charged and on us, pile the dog and our luggage into the car, and head to Dunmore, PA, on Friday.
We are living our life.
We are letting go of the control that we don't have.
We are learning that patience CAN be taken to quite an extreme level.
We are learning just how loved we are by all of you who read this blog.
We are learning to let go, again
and again
and again.
Letting go
so that our holding onto him
will be all the more powerful
when he arrives.

I am grateful for the lessons.
And the love.
And I will continue to remind myself of those blessings
all the weekend long.

Happy Thanksgiving.
I am grateful for it all.
Including you.

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