Let me first say: This is not my most positive of posts.
My apologies in advance.
I am tired.
In my body and in my brain.
Let's talk "body" first, shall we?
Weight-lifting routine?
Are ya kiddin' me?
Who needs circuit training when I have Matthew?
At times, I seriously think my arms are going to fall off.
An overused expression but especially appropriate.
Especially on the weekends.
Especially on LONG weekends.
Don't get me wrong:
I am thankful for every single one of those near-30 pounds of kid.
I am thankful for every minute of these past 5.5 months (yes, we're almost at the 6-month mark: Can ya believe it?).
But even a thankful mom can complain once in a while, right?
My mother-in-law is quite impressed with my ability (and seeming ease--if only she knew)
to transition from holding Matthew while sitting cross-legged on the floor
to rising to a complete standing position (all the time with him in my arms).
Biceps of steel, baby. Quads of iron. Low back like a band of concrete.
Rise, Phoenix, Rise.
Ashes be damned.
I pop up like I have all the energy in the world.
But dammit, there is FIRE brewing in these muscles,
and I am so, so tired.
And now, let's talk "brain."
Constant worries.
About everything.
From innocuous things like
When am I EVER going to have time to get this house organized? Piles of paperwork are now appearing in my freaking DREAMS.
to large-scale, hovering, looming issues like
We REALLY need to send that adoption finalization paperwork in (if we could only find the time to fill it out).
What is helping:
--Meditation (like my hour-long sit tonight; pure bliss)
--Spa weekend (right around the corner, with my best girl friends in the universe--and a whole weekend to remind me that I am allowed to indulge in some self-care)
--SLEEP (coming in about 5 minutes)
I know all moms go through this,
and please don't think I'm not grateful for every single minute
I get to spend with my son.
But dammit, I am tired.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Moments That Make Up a Life
I am unsure of so many things.
But the one thing that draws no doubt,
harbors no uncertainty
is the love that I have for the life that is unquestionably
and deservedly
mine.
A life made up of moments:
Matthew throwing the tennis ball for Jupiter to chase after.
Jeff crawling into Matthew's inflatable submarine filled with hundreds of small multicolored plastic balls, head sticking out of the top, trying to coax Matthew inside.
My baby's belly laughs that live in my heart long after the final giggle ceases, long after that last exhale.
Well-deserved date nights with the love of my life (occasional reminders that we can be grown-ups every once in a while, too).
Road trips to PA, and the chaos of all the cousins playing together--laughing, arguing, crying, and laughing again.
Playing peek-a-boo with Grandpa, putting his pudgy little hands on Grandpa's big ones, and pulling his hands off his face, then putting them back on his face.
Going for long stroller walks with Grandma to meet all of her friends--and coming home with even more Matchbox cars.
Reaching for his crib, happy for night-night to finally arrive, plopping his face down on beloved Froggy, and sleeping the deep, happy sleep of a kid who is finally, happily, home.
While he dreams, I watch him--
my own dream, here in my heart and in my home at last.
These moments?
They are my life.
But the one thing that draws no doubt,
harbors no uncertainty
is the love that I have for the life that is unquestionably
and deservedly
mine.
A life made up of moments:
Matthew throwing the tennis ball for Jupiter to chase after.
Jeff crawling into Matthew's inflatable submarine filled with hundreds of small multicolored plastic balls, head sticking out of the top, trying to coax Matthew inside.
My baby's belly laughs that live in my heart long after the final giggle ceases, long after that last exhale.
Well-deserved date nights with the love of my life (occasional reminders that we can be grown-ups every once in a while, too).
Road trips to PA, and the chaos of all the cousins playing together--laughing, arguing, crying, and laughing again.
Playing peek-a-boo with Grandpa, putting his pudgy little hands on Grandpa's big ones, and pulling his hands off his face, then putting them back on his face.
Going for long stroller walks with Grandma to meet all of her friends--and coming home with even more Matchbox cars.
Reaching for his crib, happy for night-night to finally arrive, plopping his face down on beloved Froggy, and sleeping the deep, happy sleep of a kid who is finally, happily, home.
While he dreams, I watch him--
my own dream, here in my heart and in my home at last.
These moments?
They are my life.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Proudly I Rise
My world has been filled with so many Mother's Days,
when I have joined with others
in honoring and celebrating the women in my life
who are such extraordinary mothers.
Most especially,
my own mom.
But also, my grandmothers, sister, sister-in-law,
and on goes the list.
For years, I was among the celebrators.
But this year, for the first time, I will be among the celebrated.
The year after we lost our baby to miscarriage, we joined a church,
and I started singing in the folk choir.
It was the Sunday of Mother's Day, and at one point, the priest asked all the moms to rise and be acknowledged.
I didn't know what to do.
(Of course I was a mom, technically.
I had given birth, after all.)
But I wasn't presently parenting a child.
I was absolutely frozen.
So I balked.
And didn't stand.
My friend and fellow singer nudged me and whispered, "Kathleen, stand up!"
And I whispered back, "But I'm not a mom."
(Oh, God, did I just say that out loud? That hurts way more than I thought it would.)
"Oh, you don't have children? I thought you did!?!" she replied.
I just shook my head and looked away.
And then the guilt set in.
Should I have stood up?
Hell, yes. But it's complicated.
I should have honored my baby's memory by proudly rising
and acknowledging that he had existed.
But I wasn't presently parenting, I argued with myself.
I may have felt the pains of labor
but I had never felt its warm, wiggling rewards.
It was so confusing and infuriating, and it hurt.
A lot.
I went home and cried.
And went out of my way to avoid the Mother's Day mass for the next several years.
With the exception of the past few rocky years,
I have celebrated on Mother's Day.
But never have I been one of the celebrated.
This year, it's different.
This year, Mother's Day takes on a profoundly new meaning to me.
I have been humbled by its blessings
and by mothering my Matthew.
This year, I will be in Pennsylvania visiting my family.
I will go to church with my mom.
And when the priest asks the mothers to rise,
Proudly I will.
For not one, but two, reasons.
Happy Mother's Day to every one of you fabulous, sexy, crazy, lovestruck moms.
I may be coming into this a little late, but I have learned from so many of you, and your paved path has made mine all the easier. You are my giants, my mentors, my mothers, my friends.
when I have joined with others
in honoring and celebrating the women in my life
who are such extraordinary mothers.
Most especially,
my own mom.
But also, my grandmothers, sister, sister-in-law,
and on goes the list.
For years, I was among the celebrators.
But this year, for the first time, I will be among the celebrated.
The year after we lost our baby to miscarriage, we joined a church,
and I started singing in the folk choir.
It was the Sunday of Mother's Day, and at one point, the priest asked all the moms to rise and be acknowledged.
I didn't know what to do.
(Of course I was a mom, technically.
I had given birth, after all.)
But I wasn't presently parenting a child.
I was absolutely frozen.
So I balked.
And didn't stand.
My friend and fellow singer nudged me and whispered, "Kathleen, stand up!"
And I whispered back, "But I'm not a mom."
(Oh, God, did I just say that out loud? That hurts way more than I thought it would.)
"Oh, you don't have children? I thought you did!?!" she replied.
I just shook my head and looked away.
And then the guilt set in.
Should I have stood up?
Hell, yes. But it's complicated.
I should have honored my baby's memory by proudly rising
and acknowledging that he had existed.
But I wasn't presently parenting, I argued with myself.
I may have felt the pains of labor
but I had never felt its warm, wiggling rewards.
It was so confusing and infuriating, and it hurt.
A lot.
I went home and cried.
And went out of my way to avoid the Mother's Day mass for the next several years.
With the exception of the past few rocky years,
I have celebrated on Mother's Day.
But never have I been one of the celebrated.
This year, it's different.
This year, Mother's Day takes on a profoundly new meaning to me.
I have been humbled by its blessings
and by mothering my Matthew.
This year, I will be in Pennsylvania visiting my family.
I will go to church with my mom.
And when the priest asks the mothers to rise,
Proudly I will.
For not one, but two, reasons.
Happy Mother's Day to every one of you fabulous, sexy, crazy, lovestruck moms.
I may be coming into this a little late, but I have learned from so many of you, and your paved path has made mine all the easier. You are my giants, my mentors, my mothers, my friends.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Making Lemonade
In the face of all these damn lemons, I am desperately trying to make lemonade here.
I haven't blogged for so long. Mainly because life has taken a downswing, and my energy/vitality for much of what I love to do has taken a corresponding beating. I just can't get it together, folks. I am trying...really, I am.
First item of note: Matthew is doing well for the most part. He's now almost 14 months old, healthy, doing well in daycare, and making us laugh every day. The things that worry me are threefold: (1) He's still not walking. (2) He's still not saying consonants of any kind (only utterances with his mouth open, lips apart--"uh" kinds of sounds). I need to make an appt with Montgomery County Infants and Toddlers; the caseworker and pediatrician suspect he may have some "low tone" in his mouth muscles, which are impeding his ability to form consonants and to move forward with his speech. (3) He needs glasses. Yes, you heard me right: The kid needs glasses in as soon as 6 months. I'll write more on this. Again, not a lot of energy to go into it. Plus, if you're my Facebook friend, you've heard about all the drama in enough detail.
Second item of note: Jupiter has been very ill. He wasn't doing too good...at least, not until this past Tuesday, when he had spinal surgery to remove a ruptured disc...he has cervical disc disease (genetically predisposed to beagles). It's a long story, and one that I don't have the energy to go into right now. But he'll be OK. The surgery was rather invasive so the healing process is going to be challenging: for him and for us. Because he feels 100% better but can't go out for walks, jump up on anything, or play. And no more collars, ever again...he is to wear harnesses from here on out.
Third item of note: I've been sick with a variety of illnesses since basically the end of February. I fell and injured my wrist (which landed me in the ER), had carpal tunnel and tingling in my hands/arms (that my sister helped me out with, the wonderful PT that she is), then had a stomach bug for 10 days (at least it helped me remove 6 pounds), and now have had some sort of virus for the past several weeks. (Keep in mind: Because I am an adoptive, not a birth, mom, my maternity leave primarily consisted of unpaid FMLA...was not eligible for short-term or long-term disability the way birth moms often are...I try to not be bitter about this but at times like this, when I need to use sick time but don't have it, it's hard.) As a result, the exercise program I've been trying to re-incorporate into my life constantly keeps getting interrupted. But on days that I feel good, I continue to do my workouts. And I've started taking Pilates as well as a step class at work. And I'm back to teaching yoga.
Some more good news is that I am continuing to lose weight and am on a healthy track as far as my eating/diet goes. I've achieved short-term goal #1 and now am working on the next one. I've signed up for a cool program at work called The Biggest Mover. I'm on a team with several other people. It starts in early May. I'm looking forward to getting healthier, slimmer, and more fit--so I can be the best mom to Matthew and Jupiter, the best friend and wife to Jeff, and as patient/loving with myself as I possibly can.
So, that's the scoop. In a nutshell. I'll blog more on different things (like the glasses) in the weeks that follow. I'm just trying to get my own internal act together.
I hope everyone is doing well, and thanks for continuing to follow this amazing journey of ours. We are so lucky to have Matthew as our son. I'm thankful every single day.
So, like I said, I've been busy making some really yummy lemonade with all these gosh darn lemons that life is throwing our way.
I am a strong believer in karma, so I'm waiting...I absolutely know that I am due!
I haven't blogged for so long. Mainly because life has taken a downswing, and my energy/vitality for much of what I love to do has taken a corresponding beating. I just can't get it together, folks. I am trying...really, I am.
First item of note: Matthew is doing well for the most part. He's now almost 14 months old, healthy, doing well in daycare, and making us laugh every day. The things that worry me are threefold: (1) He's still not walking. (2) He's still not saying consonants of any kind (only utterances with his mouth open, lips apart--"uh" kinds of sounds). I need to make an appt with Montgomery County Infants and Toddlers; the caseworker and pediatrician suspect he may have some "low tone" in his mouth muscles, which are impeding his ability to form consonants and to move forward with his speech. (3) He needs glasses. Yes, you heard me right: The kid needs glasses in as soon as 6 months. I'll write more on this. Again, not a lot of energy to go into it. Plus, if you're my Facebook friend, you've heard about all the drama in enough detail.
Second item of note: Jupiter has been very ill. He wasn't doing too good...at least, not until this past Tuesday, when he had spinal surgery to remove a ruptured disc...he has cervical disc disease (genetically predisposed to beagles). It's a long story, and one that I don't have the energy to go into right now. But he'll be OK. The surgery was rather invasive so the healing process is going to be challenging: for him and for us. Because he feels 100% better but can't go out for walks, jump up on anything, or play. And no more collars, ever again...he is to wear harnesses from here on out.
Third item of note: I've been sick with a variety of illnesses since basically the end of February. I fell and injured my wrist (which landed me in the ER), had carpal tunnel and tingling in my hands/arms (that my sister helped me out with, the wonderful PT that she is), then had a stomach bug for 10 days (at least it helped me remove 6 pounds), and now have had some sort of virus for the past several weeks. (Keep in mind: Because I am an adoptive, not a birth, mom, my maternity leave primarily consisted of unpaid FMLA...was not eligible for short-term or long-term disability the way birth moms often are...I try to not be bitter about this but at times like this, when I need to use sick time but don't have it, it's hard.) As a result, the exercise program I've been trying to re-incorporate into my life constantly keeps getting interrupted. But on days that I feel good, I continue to do my workouts. And I've started taking Pilates as well as a step class at work. And I'm back to teaching yoga.
Some more good news is that I am continuing to lose weight and am on a healthy track as far as my eating/diet goes. I've achieved short-term goal #1 and now am working on the next one. I've signed up for a cool program at work called The Biggest Mover. I'm on a team with several other people. It starts in early May. I'm looking forward to getting healthier, slimmer, and more fit--so I can be the best mom to Matthew and Jupiter, the best friend and wife to Jeff, and as patient/loving with myself as I possibly can.
So, that's the scoop. In a nutshell. I'll blog more on different things (like the glasses) in the weeks that follow. I'm just trying to get my own internal act together.
I hope everyone is doing well, and thanks for continuing to follow this amazing journey of ours. We are so lucky to have Matthew as our son. I'm thankful every single day.
So, like I said, I've been busy making some really yummy lemonade with all these gosh darn lemons that life is throwing our way.
I am a strong believer in karma, so I'm waiting...I absolutely know that I am due!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Managing the Mix (Mom + Wife + Editor + Yoga Teacher)
I'm sure so many of you can relate to the title of this post.
With so much going on in all of our lives, it's a wonder we parents balance it all. After being a mom for just 4 months, I have so much respect and appreciation for the balance that all of you (including myself now, finally) must constantly strive to maintain. It's such a fine line between keeping all the plates spinning and happy--and succumbing to the chaos, allowing the plates to crash to the floor.
So, how do we do it? How do we keep family life balanced with career, personal goals, etc.?
Well, you tell me. This is my first "interactive" post. I'm hoping that you all will respond via the "Post Comment" feature on this blogger.com site or, if you're my friend on Facebook, by posting a comment there.
WHAT WORKS FOR ME
The fact that Jeff and I truly share our parenting responsibilities pretty much down the middle. He's not the kind of dad who's never changed a diaper or who sits in front of the TV ignoring his kids. If anything, he's even more engaged with Matthew than I am. They have so much fun together! I think he has less fear about what is "right" and "wrong" about parenting. He just does it, opinions be damned. I tend to think I'm being judged more, so I'm more cautious. (I know, you would have thought the reverse would be true, if you know anything about Jeff and my personalities.)
The fact that we take Matthew everywhere we go, and even it's scary at first, we do it. Like the first time I took him to a restaurant...I was absolutely terrified that people would be giving me dirty looks if he cried...he did great, by the way. Sometimes I think we don't give our kids enough credit. He surprised me that day, for sure. And then I look at his personality and think, "But were you really surprised?" Now, he's used to being out and about, and thoroughly enjoys it. He just looks around and watches people. What comes to mind is that Saturday in early March when we had him at the car dealership for 6 long hours while we purchased our new Forester. Not one meltdown. I think I was more ready to melt down than he was!
I won't lie...the fact that he's a great sleeper and eater and napper? Yeah, that works for me. That really, really works for me. Those 2 hours in the evening are my most priceless hours of recuperation (frequently accompanied by mindless TV).
Getting him outside in the sunshine and fresh air. It benefits everyone involved...the dog, the kid, the mom, the dad.
Being a working mom (see discussion below).
Admitting that I need a break, and taking it (for example, going away on girls' weekends...I've already gone on one). And not feeling guilty doing it.
WHAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME
Being a stay-at-home mom. God, I love him to the moon, but I was happy to go back to work. I found more balance in my life, and everything kind of clicked. I loved being at home with him, don't get me wrong: But it was far from easy (especially being 100% housebound due to several blizzards and 3-4 ft of snow) and sometimes very, very trying. I missed my job, and my friends at work, and my yoga teaching. I'm finally comfortable saying all of this with no guilt, with no fear that my friends who ARE stay-at-home moms will resent me or think ill of me. (I think the world of them for the ability to do what they do every single day. [insert deep bow here]). It's a personal choice, and I think I made the right one for myself and my family. As my friend Kellie told me (and it's stuck ever since), I'm a better mom to my kids when I'm working.
Overscheduling. My favorite moments are the times the four of us (dog included) are out on the deck, just playing with toys in the fresh air, watching as Matthew points up to birds flying around our treetops. I hope that as Matthew grows, I will remember to strike a balance: keeping him active in various things but not TOO active, to the point where there is no time for that gloriously fun free play.
SOME FUNNY THINGS THAT MATTHEW IS DOING
Now I'm going to shift gears a little and tell you some funny things that Matthew is doing lately.
--The other day, he starts crawling toward the dog's dish...while the dog is eating. I calmly tell him "no." He swivels around, pauses, stares me down, and promptly sticks out his tongue and gives me a giant, lingering raspberry. Ooooh, kid, you are tryin' my patience. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter!
--He has taken to feeding Cheerios to the dog, dropping them off the highchair tray one by one. Jupiter is definitely not complaining. Mom and Dad are working on addressing this, with little success.
--I finally taught him to sign "more" when he wants more food! The shrieking just had to stop. It wasn't that he was unhappy; it was just his way of asking for more food. I was told it would take just a few days and he'd get it. Well, it took us and Kim (his daycare provider) four long weeks of constantly signing "more" (while he was in mid-scream) before he finally got it. Now, instead of shrieking for more food, he bangs his hands together (it looks more like clapping than the true sign-language sign for "more" but hey, whatever works--I know he knows what it means).
--He pushes this light wicker chair all the way across the deck. Back and forth he goes. If he encounters the occasional bump, he just pushes it harder until the chair leg clears the bump. The actual walking toy is not something he's interested in...the household furniture is much more appealing. But hey, he's safely practicing his walking. I'm not complaining. One of these days, I know, he's going to start walking. Jeff and I are trying to be patient and not worried about this. He's only 13 months old...some kids don't walk till much later than that (or so I'm told).
Coining the phrase of my favorite t-shirt company, "life is good." Being a mom is fun, challenging, hilarious, busy, demanding, different from my old life, and sometimes makes me crazy. But I absolutely love it.
Have you seen that commercial for the new TV show, "Parenthood" (which I love, by the way)? They are interviewing random people on the street. A woman says "Parenthood is...the most fun I've ever had."
I can't think of a better way to describe it than that. So that's where I'll stop.
With so much going on in all of our lives, it's a wonder we parents balance it all. After being a mom for just 4 months, I have so much respect and appreciation for the balance that all of you (including myself now, finally) must constantly strive to maintain. It's such a fine line between keeping all the plates spinning and happy--and succumbing to the chaos, allowing the plates to crash to the floor.
So, how do we do it? How do we keep family life balanced with career, personal goals, etc.?
Well, you tell me. This is my first "interactive" post. I'm hoping that you all will respond via the "Post Comment" feature on this blogger.com site or, if you're my friend on Facebook, by posting a comment there.
WHAT WORKS FOR ME
The fact that Jeff and I truly share our parenting responsibilities pretty much down the middle. He's not the kind of dad who's never changed a diaper or who sits in front of the TV ignoring his kids. If anything, he's even more engaged with Matthew than I am. They have so much fun together! I think he has less fear about what is "right" and "wrong" about parenting. He just does it, opinions be damned. I tend to think I'm being judged more, so I'm more cautious. (I know, you would have thought the reverse would be true, if you know anything about Jeff and my personalities.)
The fact that we take Matthew everywhere we go, and even it's scary at first, we do it. Like the first time I took him to a restaurant...I was absolutely terrified that people would be giving me dirty looks if he cried...he did great, by the way. Sometimes I think we don't give our kids enough credit. He surprised me that day, for sure. And then I look at his personality and think, "But were you really surprised?" Now, he's used to being out and about, and thoroughly enjoys it. He just looks around and watches people. What comes to mind is that Saturday in early March when we had him at the car dealership for 6 long hours while we purchased our new Forester. Not one meltdown. I think I was more ready to melt down than he was!
I won't lie...the fact that he's a great sleeper and eater and napper? Yeah, that works for me. That really, really works for me. Those 2 hours in the evening are my most priceless hours of recuperation (frequently accompanied by mindless TV).
Getting him outside in the sunshine and fresh air. It benefits everyone involved...the dog, the kid, the mom, the dad.
Being a working mom (see discussion below).
Admitting that I need a break, and taking it (for example, going away on girls' weekends...I've already gone on one). And not feeling guilty doing it.
WHAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME
Being a stay-at-home mom. God, I love him to the moon, but I was happy to go back to work. I found more balance in my life, and everything kind of clicked. I loved being at home with him, don't get me wrong: But it was far from easy (especially being 100% housebound due to several blizzards and 3-4 ft of snow) and sometimes very, very trying. I missed my job, and my friends at work, and my yoga teaching. I'm finally comfortable saying all of this with no guilt, with no fear that my friends who ARE stay-at-home moms will resent me or think ill of me. (I think the world of them for the ability to do what they do every single day. [insert deep bow here]). It's a personal choice, and I think I made the right one for myself and my family. As my friend Kellie told me (and it's stuck ever since), I'm a better mom to my kids when I'm working.
Overscheduling. My favorite moments are the times the four of us (dog included) are out on the deck, just playing with toys in the fresh air, watching as Matthew points up to birds flying around our treetops. I hope that as Matthew grows, I will remember to strike a balance: keeping him active in various things but not TOO active, to the point where there is no time for that gloriously fun free play.
SOME FUNNY THINGS THAT MATTHEW IS DOING
Now I'm going to shift gears a little and tell you some funny things that Matthew is doing lately.
--The other day, he starts crawling toward the dog's dish...while the dog is eating. I calmly tell him "no." He swivels around, pauses, stares me down, and promptly sticks out his tongue and gives me a giant, lingering raspberry. Ooooh, kid, you are tryin' my patience. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter!
--He has taken to feeding Cheerios to the dog, dropping them off the highchair tray one by one. Jupiter is definitely not complaining. Mom and Dad are working on addressing this, with little success.
--I finally taught him to sign "more" when he wants more food! The shrieking just had to stop. It wasn't that he was unhappy; it was just his way of asking for more food. I was told it would take just a few days and he'd get it. Well, it took us and Kim (his daycare provider) four long weeks of constantly signing "more" (while he was in mid-scream) before he finally got it. Now, instead of shrieking for more food, he bangs his hands together (it looks more like clapping than the true sign-language sign for "more" but hey, whatever works--I know he knows what it means).
--He pushes this light wicker chair all the way across the deck. Back and forth he goes. If he encounters the occasional bump, he just pushes it harder until the chair leg clears the bump. The actual walking toy is not something he's interested in...the household furniture is much more appealing. But hey, he's safely practicing his walking. I'm not complaining. One of these days, I know, he's going to start walking. Jeff and I are trying to be patient and not worried about this. He's only 13 months old...some kids don't walk till much later than that (or so I'm told).
Coining the phrase of my favorite t-shirt company, "life is good." Being a mom is fun, challenging, hilarious, busy, demanding, different from my old life, and sometimes makes me crazy. But I absolutely love it.
Have you seen that commercial for the new TV show, "Parenthood" (which I love, by the way)? They are interviewing random people on the street. A woman says "Parenthood is...the most fun I've ever had."
I can't think of a better way to describe it than that. So that's where I'll stop.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Fitting" Somewhere on the Forms
Dear Pediatric Doctors Everywhere:
I know they're just forms, but can you please consider the circumstances of your patients who are adopted children, and revise the wording of your forms so that our children "fit" on them? And use adoption-positive language? Here are some examples of Matthew's not fitting on your forms--it got my Irish up, let me tell ya.
--Are you the natural parents of this child? Well, no, because in the adoption community, we do not use the word "natural" to describe what is really meant: birth parents. Please use the term "birth parents." I may not be Matthew's birth parent, but mothering him feels, to me, as real and as "natural" as ever.
--Does anyone in patient's family have a history of any of these eye conditions (and then several conditions are listed, with only "yes" or "no" as the options). Well, doc, think I'll just have to create my own "category" here. So I added the word "unknown" and drew a box in front of it and checked my own self-drawn box. I did this for every condition you listed.
--Are there any hereditary medical problems in patient's family? If you mean "birth family," I don't know the answer to that, doc. I barely know anything about his birth parents. I wish I did.
--Who in the family wears glasses or contacts? I do, so I checked "myopic"...but this is not really applicable because Matthew is adopted. Shouldn't they have a box for "unknown; child is adopted"?
And then the more painful questions emerged that hit even closer...such as "did patient receive oxygen therapy at birth?" and "did patient have jaundice?"...with only "yes" and "no" as options. (I don't know, and it makes me sad to know that I don't know.)
Doctors, please add a checkbox called "unknown" so that my son "fits" somewhere on your forms--and I can stop editing them. I edit enough stuff all day long.
At Thursday's appointment, I will have not only my forms but also a letter to the doctor in hand, and I will also be giving verbal feedback to a front-desk receptionist who will probably think I've lost a few screws for complaining about the wording of some forms, but I don't care. It sounds petty, but trust me people, it's not.
(This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Kathleen Halverson, proud Mother of Matthew and advocate of adoptive families everywhere!)
I know they're just forms, but can you please consider the circumstances of your patients who are adopted children, and revise the wording of your forms so that our children "fit" on them? And use adoption-positive language? Here are some examples of Matthew's not fitting on your forms--it got my Irish up, let me tell ya.
--Are you the natural parents of this child? Well, no, because in the adoption community, we do not use the word "natural" to describe what is really meant: birth parents. Please use the term "birth parents." I may not be Matthew's birth parent, but mothering him feels, to me, as real and as "natural" as ever.
--Does anyone in patient's family have a history of any of these eye conditions (and then several conditions are listed, with only "yes" or "no" as the options). Well, doc, think I'll just have to create my own "category" here. So I added the word "unknown" and drew a box in front of it and checked my own self-drawn box. I did this for every condition you listed.
--Are there any hereditary medical problems in patient's family? If you mean "birth family," I don't know the answer to that, doc. I barely know anything about his birth parents. I wish I did.
--Who in the family wears glasses or contacts? I do, so I checked "myopic"...but this is not really applicable because Matthew is adopted. Shouldn't they have a box for "unknown; child is adopted"?
And then the more painful questions emerged that hit even closer...such as "did patient receive oxygen therapy at birth?" and "did patient have jaundice?"...with only "yes" and "no" as options. (I don't know, and it makes me sad to know that I don't know.)
Doctors, please add a checkbox called "unknown" so that my son "fits" somewhere on your forms--and I can stop editing them. I edit enough stuff all day long.
At Thursday's appointment, I will have not only my forms but also a letter to the doctor in hand, and I will also be giving verbal feedback to a front-desk receptionist who will probably think I've lost a few screws for complaining about the wording of some forms, but I don't care. It sounds petty, but trust me people, it's not.
(This Public Service Announcement brought to you by Kathleen Halverson, proud Mother of Matthew and advocate of adoptive families everywhere!)
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
These Things That I Absolutely Know
Today is Matthew's first birthday!
I haven't blogged in forever...I have been a little buried in the land of mom.
It has been an introspective day for me, despite the fact that we've been busy. I guess that's what birthdays are for, especially when the celebrated day is your child's. I am almost feeling knocked over by the emotions that are overtaking me today, and truthfully, I wasn't even sure I had the energy to blog about this. After all, there's a lot of immediate "issues" going on that demand my attention (let me digress/vent for a moment here): my wrist, although improving, is still hurting me from my less-than-graceful fall (that landed me in the E.R. last week), my shoulders hurt from carting him around, Matthew starts day care tomorrow, and I head back to work on Monday. Whoo. A lot to take in.
Dare I mention the pediatric ophthalmologist appointment we need to make for Matthew (who may have not one but two lazy/crossed eyes)? Or the fact that there are now concerns about "low tone" in his jaw muscles? (He is still not forming consonant sounds like "mmm" or "bbb" like he should be by now, and our caseworker is concerned enough that she recommended we take him to Montgomery County Infants and Toddlers, which is a free service by our county in which a PT or OT observes and evaluates him and determines if he needs some speech therapy.)
Anyway, enough about the worries that are dancing in my brain these days.
Today, Matthew and I headed to my friend Jenna's house in Arlington for a playdate with her and her new son, Peter. She, too, is a new mom, on maternity leave, going slightly stir crazy being all cooped up in the house. Just this week, really, the snow on the sidewalks has melted enough that the sidewalks are passable with a stroller (even with our mac-daddy of strollers, it is still tough). Out of my three months of leave, I think I've had three full weeks of "walking" weather that enabled Matthew and his cabin-fever-struck mom to get outside and enjoy some fresh air.
Peter is just a month old--and tiny, tiny, TINY compared to Matthew! He tried to poke Peter in the eyes, so we had to keep our distance from the little guy. He does the same thing with the dog, and yes, we are working on that!
We decided to head to a local Mexican restaurant for lunch. Peter slept most of the time, and Matthew was very active but VERY good! He loves people watching, so restaurants are perfect for him. He doesn't even require toys or distractions. He just looks around at all the people and activity. He had a birthday fiesta! Chicken, some plantanos frijos (fried plantains), and rice, along with the more typical baby/toddler food that I brought along with him (ahem...those ever-present, always-necessary Cheerios)!
So, back to my thoughts on feeling introspective for his birthday.
I was looking at him in the baby mirror as he slept peacefully in the backseat of the car (coming back from the playdate), and I started thinking about what his birth mom must have been going through right about now (we don't have the exact time of his birth, just the date, but you know what I mean when I say "now"). The emotions she must have been feeling, knowing that she loved him so very much that she made an adoption plan for him and blessed us with the chance to raise him as our very own son. It moves me to tears, I tell you. It moves me to tears.
And then I was wondering what those first days must have been like for Matthew. Definitely overwhelming. Probably confusing. But filled with love all the same. Even though we weren't there to parent him yet, and it breaks my heart over and over again to think of those months and those milestones that we missed, I absolutely know that he was loved from the moment he left the womb of that wonderful woman. He was never an unwanted, abandoned child (a stigma frequently attached to our adopted children)...if anything, he was wanted too much but his birth mom probably didn't have the means to support him and so made the most loving (and incredibly heartbreaking) choice imaginable for a mother. I also absolutely know that he was loved fiercely by his first foster family (newborn to age 4 months). And I absolutely know that he was loved and doted on by his second foster family as well (and I have the pictures to prove it, given to us by his second foster mom). The pictures show a happy, well-adjusted-looking kid who seemed to be having a ton of fun, at times fussy and tearful and clinging to Umma, at times giggling and on the move across one room or the other. At all times adorable.
In adoption, we talk frequently of helping our children "close the gap"--to provide them with as much information as we can about their early years, those times before they came to us as our children. Helping them close that gap allows them to live happy, successful, productive, and well-balanced lives--secure in themselves, confident in their abilities, strong in character. The more information we can give them, the more question marks we can remove for them.
But there is also what we, as parents, go through in trying to deal with and accept that gap. It can be SO frustrating at times, not knowing what his life was like from (in our case) newborn to age 9.5 months. That's a long span of time, filled with moments and milestones that birth parents get to record and photograph and carve deep into their memories. We on the other hand are often left to speculate, surmise, or (for the energetic among us) do endless hours of research to track down what happened during that gap.
So, these things that I absolutely know...cited above...well, they bring me comfort, and they help me as a mom close the gap from birth day to this day. This amazing, incredible day in which Jeff and I celebrate all things Matthew.
Tonight will be an abbreviated Tol ceremony (the Korean custom for the first birthday, which is a VERY significant birthday in Korean culture) with just the three of us. This Saturday, both our families will be there for his actual birthday party. They are coming from PA, NJ, and VA. I can't wait to dress him up in his hanbok (traditional Korean clothing worn on the first birthday--his foster mom sent one with him to America) and take pictures and sing to him and merge his Korean customs (Korean rice cakes of many flavors, bowl of white rice for good luck, and the list goes on) with his American ones (good old cake and ice cream and silly party hats!).
There simply aren't enough silly party hats in the world to represent just how much love we feel for this little guy.
Today, I watched him sleep, his head flopped to one side, his pudgy cheeks looking even pudgier because his chin was kind of shoved down onto his chest, his lips looking like the lips of angels kissed by God himself.
And I whispered the sweetest "thank you" for bringing him to us.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW!
I haven't blogged in forever...I have been a little buried in the land of mom.
It has been an introspective day for me, despite the fact that we've been busy. I guess that's what birthdays are for, especially when the celebrated day is your child's. I am almost feeling knocked over by the emotions that are overtaking me today, and truthfully, I wasn't even sure I had the energy to blog about this. After all, there's a lot of immediate "issues" going on that demand my attention (let me digress/vent for a moment here): my wrist, although improving, is still hurting me from my less-than-graceful fall (that landed me in the E.R. last week), my shoulders hurt from carting him around, Matthew starts day care tomorrow, and I head back to work on Monday. Whoo. A lot to take in.
Dare I mention the pediatric ophthalmologist appointment we need to make for Matthew (who may have not one but two lazy/crossed eyes)? Or the fact that there are now concerns about "low tone" in his jaw muscles? (He is still not forming consonant sounds like "mmm" or "bbb" like he should be by now, and our caseworker is concerned enough that she recommended we take him to Montgomery County Infants and Toddlers, which is a free service by our county in which a PT or OT observes and evaluates him and determines if he needs some speech therapy.)
Anyway, enough about the worries that are dancing in my brain these days.
Today, Matthew and I headed to my friend Jenna's house in Arlington for a playdate with her and her new son, Peter. She, too, is a new mom, on maternity leave, going slightly stir crazy being all cooped up in the house. Just this week, really, the snow on the sidewalks has melted enough that the sidewalks are passable with a stroller (even with our mac-daddy of strollers, it is still tough). Out of my three months of leave, I think I've had three full weeks of "walking" weather that enabled Matthew and his cabin-fever-struck mom to get outside and enjoy some fresh air.
Peter is just a month old--and tiny, tiny, TINY compared to Matthew! He tried to poke Peter in the eyes, so we had to keep our distance from the little guy. He does the same thing with the dog, and yes, we are working on that!
We decided to head to a local Mexican restaurant for lunch. Peter slept most of the time, and Matthew was very active but VERY good! He loves people watching, so restaurants are perfect for him. He doesn't even require toys or distractions. He just looks around at all the people and activity. He had a birthday fiesta! Chicken, some plantanos frijos (fried plantains), and rice, along with the more typical baby/toddler food that I brought along with him (ahem...those ever-present, always-necessary Cheerios)!
So, back to my thoughts on feeling introspective for his birthday.
I was looking at him in the baby mirror as he slept peacefully in the backseat of the car (coming back from the playdate), and I started thinking about what his birth mom must have been going through right about now (we don't have the exact time of his birth, just the date, but you know what I mean when I say "now"). The emotions she must have been feeling, knowing that she loved him so very much that she made an adoption plan for him and blessed us with the chance to raise him as our very own son. It moves me to tears, I tell you. It moves me to tears.
And then I was wondering what those first days must have been like for Matthew. Definitely overwhelming. Probably confusing. But filled with love all the same. Even though we weren't there to parent him yet, and it breaks my heart over and over again to think of those months and those milestones that we missed, I absolutely know that he was loved from the moment he left the womb of that wonderful woman. He was never an unwanted, abandoned child (a stigma frequently attached to our adopted children)...if anything, he was wanted too much but his birth mom probably didn't have the means to support him and so made the most loving (and incredibly heartbreaking) choice imaginable for a mother. I also absolutely know that he was loved fiercely by his first foster family (newborn to age 4 months). And I absolutely know that he was loved and doted on by his second foster family as well (and I have the pictures to prove it, given to us by his second foster mom). The pictures show a happy, well-adjusted-looking kid who seemed to be having a ton of fun, at times fussy and tearful and clinging to Umma, at times giggling and on the move across one room or the other. At all times adorable.
In adoption, we talk frequently of helping our children "close the gap"--to provide them with as much information as we can about their early years, those times before they came to us as our children. Helping them close that gap allows them to live happy, successful, productive, and well-balanced lives--secure in themselves, confident in their abilities, strong in character. The more information we can give them, the more question marks we can remove for them.
But there is also what we, as parents, go through in trying to deal with and accept that gap. It can be SO frustrating at times, not knowing what his life was like from (in our case) newborn to age 9.5 months. That's a long span of time, filled with moments and milestones that birth parents get to record and photograph and carve deep into their memories. We on the other hand are often left to speculate, surmise, or (for the energetic among us) do endless hours of research to track down what happened during that gap.
So, these things that I absolutely know...cited above...well, they bring me comfort, and they help me as a mom close the gap from birth day to this day. This amazing, incredible day in which Jeff and I celebrate all things Matthew.
Tonight will be an abbreviated Tol ceremony (the Korean custom for the first birthday, which is a VERY significant birthday in Korean culture) with just the three of us. This Saturday, both our families will be there for his actual birthday party. They are coming from PA, NJ, and VA. I can't wait to dress him up in his hanbok (traditional Korean clothing worn on the first birthday--his foster mom sent one with him to America) and take pictures and sing to him and merge his Korean customs (Korean rice cakes of many flavors, bowl of white rice for good luck, and the list goes on) with his American ones (good old cake and ice cream and silly party hats!).
There simply aren't enough silly party hats in the world to represent just how much love we feel for this little guy.
Today, I watched him sleep, his head flopped to one side, his pudgy cheeks looking even pudgier because his chin was kind of shoved down onto his chest, his lips looking like the lips of angels kissed by God himself.
And I whispered the sweetest "thank you" for bringing him to us.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW!
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